I felt that spark again. After such a long time of arguing with myself – wondering if I was worthy of love and why it seemed so distant – finally, it came to me uninvited. It anchored itself to someone I thought was right, that when I saw them, I felt nothing but pure joy.
I fell in love once more. Everything felt right as if it was meant to be. I was mesmerized and almost losing myself in the experience. I knew how desperately my heart wanted this feeling to remain and grow, but there was a nagging voice inside that reminds me that I wasn’t truly ready to dive back into this beautiful yet heartbreak-prone cycle.
I wasn’t naive. I had felt those thrilling sparks with different people before. Yet, I chose to stay a coward, remaining in the background like a secret admirer. The fear consumed me, and every “what if” twisted my thoughts into knots.
Falling in love seemed like a joy for the brave. For someone like me, it felt embarrassing. Just the thought of others discovering my feelings was unbearable. My fear and hesitation made me miss out on so many chances.
People said love was sacred and there was nothing wrong with having feelings for someone. It was human. God gave us these emotions. So, I wanted to believe that falling in love was a gift.
But I was still as timid as ever. I continued to view love as something taboo, intensely private, and sacred. If I could, I would have kept my love hidden away and sealed deep inside.
Then reality hit me hard. I saw others who were braver, taking the risk to express their feelings openly. They faced the warmth and sweetness of being honest, even if the outcome was uncertain. I knew, in that moment, I had lost.
I had lost to those who dared more.
I had lost to those who were honest with their feelings.
I had lost to those who weren’t afraid of rejection.
Rejection.
I realized that what I feared most wasn’t the pain of being heart-broken because of love, but the sting of rejection. I couldn’t bear to think about how devastated I’d be if rejected, so I chose to stay put and avoiding any chance to be hurt.
For me, rejection was never gentle. It always led to self-doubt and questioning my worth. It was painful, especially when the doubt came from within.
I realized that love, with all its joy and risks, is a complex mystery. I was stuck between wanting to love and fearing the pain it might bring. This internal struggle often left me awake at night, wondering how and when I might be ready to face it.
Every day, I saw people around me with the courage to love and share their feelings, while I felt isolated by my doubts. I questioned if I would ever muster the bravery to step out of my comfort zone or if I would continue to wait for love to arrive perfectly timed and in the way I had always imagined.
Perhaps I’ll keep letting uncertainty rule my life. Perhaps I’ll find a way to embrace love despite the fears that bind me. Or maybe, I’ll have to accept that some things, like love, don’t come with clear answers. Who knows? The answer seems elusive, and maybe I need to accept that some questions might never have a definite answer.
Note : Apparently you can still clap up to 50 times! ;)
