“You handled it so well.” Am I?
At first, I thought I was just being lazy. Lazy to put the books back on the shelf, lazy to replace the bedspread that had become a mess, lazy to return scattered items to their places, lazy to sweep up the hair that had fallen everywhere. Lazy to clean up a room that looked like it had been turned upside down.
But even with all this mess, I could still sleep. Despite the hair on the bed and floor, my sleep was still somewhat okay. Even though the bed was cluttered, I managed to feel a bit of comfort.
I thought it was just laziness, so I fought against it and tried to clean up. I forced myself to tackle each task and thinking that restoring some order would help me feel better.
But then it came back, even stronger, along with a complete loss of will to do anything. I found myself sitting in a room that looked more like a garbage dump than a place to rest, feeling completely overwhelmed by the mess.
Even though I could still sleep, it became an escape. I slept longer, trying to avoid facing the mess that had become my life. When I finally woke up, it was more like a harsh reminder of how bad things had become. The thought of dealing with it was too much to bear. I wished I could stay asleep forever to avoid the reality that awaited.
I stopped responding to messages, no matter how important they were. I just didn’t care. I read them, but replying felt too hard. I avoided seeing people because I was ashamed of how far I’d fallen. The idea of them seeing me like this was too painful, so I withdrew from the world. I felt like I had disappeared and swallowed by the darkness.
I’m stuck in a state of doing nothing but existing. I force myself to stay sane amidst the chaos, but it’s becoming impossible. My energy is gone, and I feel trapped in a cycle of despair. I can still move, but every action feels like a huge effort. It’s as if I’m drowning in my own inability to escape the mess, and finding a way out seems like an impossible dream.
I hate this phase, this endless cycle of disorder and hopelessness. It always brings dark thoughts, the ones that whisper about ending it all. The mess around me seems to reflect the chaos inside my mind, and I can’t escape from either. I feel like I’m sinking deeper into this abyss, unable to see a way out.
This isn’t the first time I’ve faced this. I’ve been through these phases before, but it feels worse.
Sometime for a while, everything seemed fine. I was happy and enjoying life. But then, it all fell apart in one night, and now I’m struggling with the pieces. The same overwhelming dread has returned, and I feel completely drained. I’m running on empty, with no energy left to fight the darkness.
Time keeps moving, and the world goes on as if nothing has changed. People still expect things from me, and their demands feel like an extra weight I can’t bear.
Ah… this phase again.
At this point, I’ve become too familiar with it. I wonder is there any hope of breaking free from this cycle, or will I always be trapped in this endless loop of despair?
